Sorry for the long overdue in posting, as I had some missions I needed to accomplish which I have but which also scare the shit out of me financially.  Since my last posting I have gotten a new position at work, starting to see a Therapist and got myself a new place!
The change for my position at work was a long time in the making about 2 months, I do not really see much difference as I am not really changing but my boss wants it to happen..  I have to figure it out but I will and hopefully it will be a good thing.  The freedom it will give me will scare me and will also allow me to be my own boss so to speak but I need to produce...  I am fairly certain it will work out as I like to think I am good at it, although I wonder.
I found a therapist and  he seems decent enough have only done one visit so far and it was not focused on the king and the fights more about moving on and getting out and meeting new people.  That will be hard as I am an introvert and prefer staying home.  That being said he gave me a number of places to go to meet singles who are also professionals.. I guess that is what I am now "single and professional"
I have now been 21 days out of the house and away from him and feel pretty good, I fight with him in my head and it is nasty and verbal along with some physical but I am working through it and at times I do not even think of him.  I am saddened by the lack of communication from our or his friends minus one or two, yet these are the breaks and I will have to begin to go out and meet new people so I do not become house bound which is something I know will happen to me shortly.  I am doing it now but using the right reasons, to save money.  I did pretty good on the money side not great but good.
I reduced my debt to next to nothing, I dipped into accounts and luckily received a nice bonus check so I felt comfortable to be able to venture out and find a place to live.   I had found this one place that looked good from the outside and had a nice deck decent insides and the rent was cheap.  I went to go look and there was a reason it was so cheap.  The place was a stye, filthy, cramped and dated and not to mention no care taken of the outside.  I do have standards and know what I would be happy with.  This was not one of them!  I happened to drive down the hill and went in and visited with a Realtor, nice group and a good Woman I met and she took me out on the internet and we found a few and she booked a date for us to go see them.  They were both in the same town and both were two families which my family felt I would be better suited for.  I was leaning towards a complex like tower with all the amenities and everything included.  It was stretching my budget tight but again my standards were telling me not to move into a dump as I would be miserable.  So the first place we go to see was horrible, it smelled and it was cramped and the bathroom was covered in mold.  Made a fast exit and headed to the next place.  You could tell when you walked up to it that it was well kept from the outside and it was big.  Walk in and the place is immaculate, gleaming hardwood floors fresh paint on the walls and great amounts of character.  I was impressed especially since the other places were so bad.  It has 6 rooms total, 2 bedrooms, living room, dining room and a sunroom along with an eat in kitchen and a pantry.  There is a small deck on the back and parking is off street, the rent was decent and I was sold.  A nice older Italian woman owns it and lives upstairs, she seemed okay if not a bit rough but I know how to sweeten these old ladies it will take sometime but she will happy I am living in her house trust me.
Move in date is set for the 1st of the Month and I have to buy EVERYTHING!  This will create a challenge for sure, my Mom has told me that she wants to pay for my furniture which is a blessing as I do not want to carry such debt going in.  The immediate needs are for a bed a dresser some night stands a few lamps a Couch a TV and a Washer and Dryer.  That alone comes to close to 2500 which is not so bad as I will have cash left over by the end of the month I think.  I have been drilling with these numbers and it all comes down to that I do not make enough money for the lifestyle I want to live.  I have closed a couple of good deals lately so my bonus check will be decent that will help to get me stuff I need and want.  The worst part will be going back to the house to gather all of my stuff up.  I will wait on that till I am moved in and head over to clean out and pack up the items which are mine.  Not a great deal of things a few tables and lamps and pictures that I bought and some stuff for outside but they are mine and he is not getting them.  We have not spoken at all, I did text him last week as I wanted some stuff from the house and fortunately he was not home and stealth like I was in and out in 5 mins.  He texted me this week as I had some mail which did not cross over to "change of address" and he wanted to know how to pay a bill.  I was short and sweet in my reply and I got my mail today along with signing the lease and handing over 2500 dollars to the realtor.  It would have been more but the landlady gave me a break which was kind of her.  I asked to make a date to go back and see the place and hopefully I can get a better idea of what the place will accommodate as for furniture.  I am still so nervous that I will not be accepted as my credit score took a hit this past month due to purchases that were not mine.  The following month will be better for the score and I was mad that this had happened as I try to maintain that number always.
When I got the call from the realtor on Friday that my offer was accepted I was so thrilled.
I was even more thrilled to find out that the boy I fuck was also coming over that night.
I made my calls out to my family to let them know the good news and they were thrilled for me.
It was then that I started to prep for his arrival, jumping into the shower as soon as he mentioned that he was 45mins out.  Dimmed the lights took a few hits off a joint and poured a glass of Wine.
Ding dong!!!  In he comes looking so cute and handsome and kind... I am crushing on this kid and should not be but how can you not.  We do the obligatory small chat I let him know that I got a place he does not want to talk about it as it brings him into close to me something he would prefer to avoid.
Prior to him coming he sent me a message that he had used something to clean himself out and he felt sore now.  I reassured him that we would do whatever he wanted to and he was still in!
So I asked him how he was feeling and he said it was still sore and I let him know that I had some cream and perhaps we should put some on him to relieve the discomfort on his hole.  This then presented him with the idea of taking a shower, I showed him wear it was and he went in to shower which gave me enough time to toke a few more hits off the joint that was out on the deck.  I was like a little kid so damn excited.   I am out in the kitchen out he walks in only a towel..  So fucking sexy and he sort of knows it and knew what it would do to me, I poured him some more vodka got the cream and he quickly went into the bedroom, he props himself up on all 4s on the bed so I can apply for him... WOOF!  I am not realizing that this is a total turn on for him and he has not even poppered up and you could hear him moaning as I began to apply the creme to his hole.  So I begin to do some heavy breathing and perhaps a bit of moaning and he is in solid and eager... I go back to it being medicinal and pull off as I know that this boy just wants his ass fucked and I am wanting more.
So I place the cream down much to his chagrin and grab the bottle of poppers that have all been placed on the night stand, the poppers the spray and a pair of underwear.  I did not have lube nor did I put out condoms... The visual is important as I am making a statement here, letting him know what is important.  Meanwhile I had already spent over 30 dollars on this shit all for him, well maybe not all but still.    So I grab the poppers and hand it over to him and he sniffs that first pop and it is pleasure pure simple pleasure.  I guide his head down to my cock and he pulls back ever so slightly and I push him down more and it slips right inside his mouth.... We are off and I go back to his ass letting him know that pain or no pain he is being fucked tonight.  He gets my drift and says should I take the pill?
The pill is another one of these popper like things that helps him to be able to handle that he is a slut cum loving bottom.  I do believe also it is a way to say to himself, I am not really gay cause the only way I can do this is to be totally fucked up on whatever poppers I can ingest..  I am not taking that honestly as I know this boy is going towards the gay side and this is my mission.
I tell him ya... take the pill and he quickly grabs it and settles back into my bed.  We begin the usual of huffing the spray huffing the liquid and drinking so we are both pretty toasted at this stage.  My finger has rubbed his hole enough but not go in as of yet as I know what this boy craves and that is my cock up his ass... Not just yet my pretty you have some work you need to do to get that.
I make him work sucking my cock and eating my ass, kissing me deep and verbally calling him every filthy name you can think of, he likes it and asks that I do it.  Now with the Spray the poppers and the pill along with half a glass of vodka and no food in him he begins to fall asleep ugh!!!!  What else should I do but fuck him while he sleeps.   So he is on his back snoring away and I lift his legs and push my cock in him and fuck him for a bit but not to much but my cock is in him raw and feels so sweet inside him.   I am getting pushy and aggressive and slightly annoyed so the punishing side of me comes out, I swing him around on the bed so his head is hanging off the side and start to push my rank dick into his open mouth...  he takes it gives a gag or two but I keep fucking his mouth right after I was in his hole.  I lean down to kiss him and the smell of rank ass is on his lips and mouth so hot.  I then squat over his face and make him lick my hole out... He does everything he is made to do.  We are cooking along and at one point I grab for the spray hit it with the cloth and huff on it a bit, he begins to straddle me and we are connected with his face against mine I am feeling the effects of the spray hitting my head and my cock is positioned right at his hole and I whisper into his ear... Put it in your hole, he reaches back and takes my cock and aims it for his hole and sits right back on it.  Hot damn this boy is one hungry bottom....  He rides that cock for a good bit and slides it out of him.
Now this is not something all that new but it does lead to more of me putting my raw dick up inside of him which is so hot.  I had let him know prior to us meeting that I had wanted to have him lay over the side of the couch so I can get real deep up inside of him... I had even laid out a towel by the couch so we would be ready to go.  We had also talked about how he wanted me to treat him like he was a Pussy a Cunt and to use those words on him when we were in the throw of things... I did use those words on him and you could see how it made him more eager to please and more wanting of my cock.   The use of the poppers and the spray along with the pill was making him sleep, each time he would do the spary he would fall asleep and begin to snore, this was getting constant and was pissing me off.  Not that you could be mad at this guy but I wanted the back and forth the nursing of my cock him doing for me!!  I became aggressive each time and would wake him up with either my ass in his mouth or my cock.  Finally we took out a condom and he wrapped my cock with it he also lubed up his ass more (not that he needed it) with that expensive cream.
Silly but it annoyed me as that shit is expensive and did not want him wasting it on his hole, which the first time I fucked it I used spit and he took it like a champ.   After he wrapped me up he started to get up and head out the bedroom door kinda grabbing me along the way... This boy was looped so he was swaying and he is like 5'10 170 so he is big to handle... I ask him where we going and he says slurred.... The Couch....
He heads for the living room but I was going with the great room as the arm of that couch left plenty of room on the side for me to stand....  I showed him and he flung himself over the arm of the couch with his ass held high... I pondered for a moment to take off the condom but I pulled back on that...I begin to go in and knowing full well at this point he could not feel a thing.. I started to fuck this boy and head deep in with zero regard for him... this was my show...   We are going at it and within a few mins of fucking him he stops and goes to start to get up staggering.... I am like, boy where are you going?  He begins to point down at the floor and low and behold there was his load ... ahhh  i fucked it out of him again without him touching himself.  Score!!!   I pull out of him and he is swaying and heading for the floor and I place him down on his ass to sit.
I grab the towel wipe up the cum and take same towel and make a pillow for us....  we cuddled it was lovely and I was hard as a rock as I had yet to cum... I also do this water thing where I drink like 3-4 glasses of water right before he comes over this makes me have a piss hard on as I cannot pee when my cock is that hard.  So it keeps me strong and hard and I love it.  I intertwine with him and he intertwines with me and it is really nice, quiet, peaceful.... I am still horny so I am rubbing his back placing small kisses on his face and he is not responding as I knew he would not but still I love to push that envelope....  He pulls me in tighter and we settle into a 15 min cuddle...He is trying to come down off the high as he has taken in so much poppers and spray along with that dumb pill.   So 15 mins later he starts to come to and he wants to explain the trip he has been on with all these drugs... He is trying to explain about something to do with Water.... So finally he gets up I suggest the bed and he says no he has to wake up.  He gets up and walks over to the kitchen area and walks in.... So let me explain how the kitchen works cause its important the layout...
It is a U shaped Kitchen which is wide open to the sitting area where the counter tops are in the U if your looking at the letter he goes to sit on the counter at the love left of the U so that where it meets in that angle he is parks his well fucked ass ontop of the counter... looking so dam hot this hunky straight dude sitting on the countertop in front of me trying to explain this water thing....  
He watches Anime and that is some cartoon based on Animals being human like but being Cartoons... I dont get it but I know in previous conversations he has talked about using as an outlet for Porn....   anyway he went to go see The lil Mermaid right before he got here and he felt that when I was fucking him over the arm of the couch he was the Mermaid and I was me but not me someone named Darrell   I fucked him and cam in him... (He kept saying to me prior that I had cummed, I kept correcting him) the cumming in him made him explode.....  This is the stuff you get from using the spray.... at one point when I sucked it in I remember standing on a street in the town I grew up in and my Dads old car parked a bit away.... so he would have these major delusional trips to funky and messed up like where did this come from.....  This has led him to me slapping him hard across the face, he suggested I do it to him that night in the throws of passion or tripping out....I knew he did not really like it and it triggered shit in him that was not nice... so I did it half heartedly...  That one time he asked me to smack him he kept saying do it harder so I would and I would kiss him also to ease him down off of it then I would go back again and smack him hard... he eventually stopped me, later he told me that he was kidnapped in a white pick up truck and beat up.... nothing sexual.
This stuff fucks ya up!  So there he is sitting ontop the countertop and he is telling me where he was going in his loopiness....  I feed him some bread and after awhile you can see he is coming down and he is looking at me naked and he begins to pull on his cock, I did not pay him any attention but I can clearly see him pulling on his cock and he wants me to see it... I am up close to him and I am rubbing his thighs with deep strokes and he is liking it as his dick begins to grow...  I just go down on him and says   "wow I cant believe you are doing that"   Light goes off in my head.... time to push the envelope....  after getting him hard I pull up from his cock and tell him now it is his turn to suck me off without any poppers... He gets that feared  look in his eyes but you can tell at this stage it is a forced reaction on his part to convince not only me but him that he could not possibly do anything without it.  He quickly gets up and starts to head to the bedroom... I am kinda pissed cause I wanted it in the kitchen.... I follow him in determined that this was going to happen and tell him to get down on his knees... he is reluctant and still has the deer in the headlights look on him.... I am letting him know by my attitude that this was gonna happen ... he is yelping about the poppers and if he could and I let him know that he was not getting any until he wrapped his mouth around my cock......  I reach for the poppers to ease his mind that he at least knew it was within reach...  I go to unscrew it he is looking at me and I take a hit and put the cap back on and he is like "what none for me"  I put it down reach for the back of his head and tell him to "suck my cock" and he looks at it and slowly opens his mouth and takes it in.   I made him suck me for awhile he gagged and spouted but I am sure my dick tasted like ass at this stage so.... he is looking to get fucked and I am still wanting to play so I am drawing it out and i am not looking for condoms for him...  he says to me "can you put it inside of me without a condom on"  he has that look in his eyes of fear and pleading.  i was getting the vibe right before that I was going to openly fuck him raw... he is moaning about it and I clearly tell him that I am putting my cock in his ass without it.. he says nothing and lays back for me to fuck him.....  I do and pull out and hose him down with my cock... he had already cummed just from my dick being in his ass.....   Afterwards we discussed me fucking him raw as he and the fiancee do not use them... she cannot bear children.....  He is 95% sure I am clean but 100 would let me take him how I want to.... Gotta find a form...   After I cam we layed on the bed and cuddled some more .... so nice...
He got up and got into a frantic as he had to meet the fiancee somewhere and took off... I cleaned up and sat in marvled bliss.... So when I went back into the kitchen after he left I could see where he had been sitting that there was the imprint of his crack on the countertop... It is now Wednesday and I have not cleaned that spot yet....
The rest of the weekend was good, hung out Saturday did Laundry and headed to my Sisters at 4 for dinner, came back here around 11
Next day was pure nothingness just the kinda day you have to steal it was nice and relishing in having fucked that cute boy
Sunday night the ex texted me and was asking how to pay the cable bill as they were calling...I did not text him back and waited till Mon morning at 7am, let him know how and  he texts me again how he paid the bill and it was $689.00   and could I help him out with the MOTHER FUCKING BILL!!  he did not say that I did the MF part....  I was still on a high and texted him back and explained that I had Apartment bills deposits first and last month furniture etc....  I was not paying that MOTHER FUCKING BILL!  So he texts me back (mind you we have not spoken since I left 23 days ago... )  so is this permanent?  I write him back "I guess so, how many times can you hear "get out of my house" till you know its time to go.
His response..." ok"   FUCKING OK!  Good God this asshole is so lame he is so "push me I am coming'
I aint pushing no more.
I went to the Shrink and I felt at times there was no feedback I was just having him listen to me and awkwardly answering me when I left great pauses... I was thinking to myself come on man would you diagnose me or something kinda like call me out on my shit.... nothing... Although when I would do the silent game he would begin to talk, so that is kind of how I would like it to be.  This is new so will take sometime.  He did give me good insight as I have been stressing out over going to get my stuff out of the house.  My Sister has been nagging at me to go and get my stuff and I have been reluctant as I did not want to go and get my stuff bring it back to here and move it again to my new place :-)  At the same time I was putting off a huge project that I know we be painful and lots of fucking work.  I figured it out that she just wants me to end my pain that I have been enduring about having to do this I have mentioned it to her.  Shrink said to ask that lady who owns the house to see if I could bring some stuff over before moving in....will see how that goes.  I got home today and got an email from the realtor that everything was a go and that I could call the lady she provided her phone number....  This realtor is good like her alot...in talking to her when I went to her office to sign the lease I commented on the Stove and how it was old and how did I approach the lady to get a new one... the Broker was there and she suggested I wait a few months and then bring it up.....I was okay with that...yet in todays email she told me that she told the broker that I made a comment about the stove and the other realtor came back and said there was discussion about the replacing the fridge, I was all for it!  So they said not to mention the stove till later but I will, hopefully it will filter to her via her realtor.
Sister wants to go shopping with me on Saturday like first thing in the morning and go out for dinner later and for me to sleep over... no no and no...I am scared to go shopping as I do not want to spend any money but I need shit, like Furniture, washer and dryer cable the whole nine yards and it is scary as I am as broke as broke could be...  I budgeted it out and I have 1700 to spend and that leaves me with nothing come the first of the month..Did I mention I need everything... Again my Mom said she would buy me everything so hopefully that will come true!!!