Sorry for the long overdue in posting, as I had some missions I needed to accomplish which I have but which also scare the shit out of me financially.  Since my last posting I have gotten a new position at work, starting to see a Therapist and got myself a new place!
The change for my position at work was a long time in the making about 2 months, I do not really see much difference as I am not really changing but my boss wants it to happen..  I have to figure it out but I will and hopefully it will be a good thing.  The freedom it will give me will scare me and will also allow me to be my own boss so to speak but I need to produce...  I am fairly certain it will work out as I like to think I am good at it, although I wonder.
I found a therapist and  he seems decent enough have only done one visit so far and it was not focused on the king and the fights more about moving on and getting out and meeting new people.  That will be hard as I am an introvert and prefer staying home.  That being said he gave me a number of places to go to meet singles who are also professionals.. I guess that is what I am now "single and professional"
I have now been 21 days out of the house and away from him and feel pretty good, I fight with him in my head and it is nasty and verbal along with some physical but I am working through it and at times I do not even think of him.  I am saddened by the lack of communication from our or his friends minus one or two, yet these are the breaks and I will have to begin to go out and meet new people so I do not become house bound which is something I know will happen to me shortly.  I am doing it now but using the right reasons, to save money.  I did pretty good on the money side not great but good.
I reduced my debt to next to nothing, I dipped into accounts and luckily received a nice bonus check so I felt comfortable to be able to venture out and find a place to live.   I had found this one place that looked good from the outside and had a nice deck decent insides and the rent was cheap.  I went to go look and there was a reason it was so cheap.  The place was a stye, filthy, cramped and dated and not to mention no care taken of the outside.  I do have standards and know what I would be happy with.  This was not one of them!  I happened to drive down the hill and went in and visited with a Realtor, nice group and a good Woman I met and she took me out on the internet and we found a few and she booked a date for us to go see them.  They were both in the same town and both were two families which my family felt I would be better suited for.  I was leaning towards a complex like tower with all the amenities and everything included.  It was stretching my budget tight but again my standards were telling me not to move into a dump as I would be miserable.  So the first place we go to see was horrible, it smelled and it was cramped and the bathroom was covered in mold.  Made a fast exit and headed to the next place.  You could tell when you walked up to it that it was well kept from the outside and it was big.  Walk in and the place is immaculate, gleaming hardwood floors fresh paint on the walls and great amounts of character.  I was impressed especially since the other places were so bad.  It has 6 rooms total, 2 bedrooms, living room, dining room and a sunroom along with an eat in kitchen and a pantry.  There is a small deck on the back and parking is off street, the rent was decent and I was sold.  A nice older Italian woman owns it and lives upstairs, she seemed okay if not a bit rough but I know how to sweeten these old ladies it will take sometime but she will happy I am living in her house trust me.
Move in date is set for the 1st of the Month and I have to buy EVERYTHING!  This will create a challenge for sure, my Mom has told me that she wants to pay for my furniture which is a blessing as I do not want to carry such debt going in.  The immediate needs are for a bed a dresser some night stands a few lamps a Couch a TV and a Washer and Dryer.  That alone comes to close to 2500 which is not so bad as I will have cash left over by the end of the month I think.  I have been drilling with these numbers and it all comes down to that I do not make enough money for the lifestyle I want to live.  I have closed a couple of good deals lately so my bonus check will be decent that will help to get me stuff I need and want.  The worst part will be going back to the house to gather all of my stuff up.  I will wait on that till I am moved in and head over to clean out and pack up the items which are mine.  Not a great deal of things a few tables and lamps and pictures that I bought and some stuff for outside but they are mine and he is not getting them.  We have not spoken at all, I did text him last week as I wanted some stuff from the house and fortunately he was not home and stealth like I was in and out in 5 mins.  He texted me this week as I had some mail which did not cross over to "change of address" and he wanted to know how to pay a bill.  I was short and sweet in my reply and I got my mail today along with signing the lease and handing over 2500 dollars to the realtor.  It would have been more but the landlady gave me a break which was kind of her.  I asked to make a date to go back and see the place and hopefully I can get a better idea of what the place will accommodate as for furniture.  I am still so nervous that I will not be accepted as my credit score took a hit this past month due to purchases that were not mine.  The following month will be better for the score and I was mad that this had happened as I try to maintain that number always.
When I got the call from the realtor on Friday that my offer was accepted I was so thrilled.
I was even more thrilled to find out that the boy I fuck was also coming over that night.
I made my calls out to my family to let them know the good news and they were thrilled for me.
It was then that I started to prep for his arrival, jumping into the shower as soon as he mentioned that he was 45mins out.  Dimmed the lights took a few hits off a joint and poured a glass of Wine.
Ding dong!!!  In he comes looking so cute and handsome and kind... I am crushing on this kid and should not be but how can you not.  We do the obligatory small chat I let him know that I got a place he does not want to talk about it as it brings him into close to me something he would prefer to avoid.
Prior to him coming he sent me a message that he had used something to clean himself out and he felt sore now.  I reassured him that we would do whatever he wanted to and he was still in!
So I asked him how he was feeling and he said it was still sore and I let him know that I had some cream and perhaps we should put some on him to relieve the discomfort on his hole.  This then presented him with the idea of taking a shower, I showed him wear it was and he went in to shower which gave me enough time to toke a few more hits off the joint that was out on the deck.  I was like a little kid so damn excited.   I am out in the kitchen out he walks in only a towel..  So fucking sexy and he sort of knows it and knew what it would do to me, I poured him some more vodka got the cream and he quickly went into the bedroom, he props himself up on all 4s on the bed so I can apply for him... WOOF!  I am not realizing that this is a total turn on for him and he has not even poppered up and you could hear him moaning as I began to apply the creme to his hole.  So I begin to do some heavy breathing and perhaps a bit of moaning and he is in solid and eager... I go back to it being medicinal and pull off as I know that this boy just wants his ass fucked and I am wanting more.
So I place the cream down much to his chagrin and grab the bottle of poppers that have all been placed on the night stand, the poppers the spray and a pair of underwear.  I did not have lube nor did I put out condoms... The visual is important as I am making a statement here, letting him know what is important.  Meanwhile I had already spent over 30 dollars on this shit all for him, well maybe not all but still.    So I grab the poppers and hand it over to him and he sniffs that first pop and it is pleasure pure simple pleasure.  I guide his head down to my cock and he pulls back ever so slightly and I push him down more and it slips right inside his mouth.... We are off and I go back to his ass letting him know that pain or no pain he is being fucked tonight.  He gets my drift and says should I take the pill?
The pill is another one of these popper like things that helps him to be able to handle that he is a slut cum loving bottom.  I do believe also it is a way to say to himself, I am not really gay cause the only way I can do this is to be totally fucked up on whatever poppers I can ingest..  I am not taking that honestly as I know this boy is going towards the gay side and this is my mission.
I tell him ya... take the pill and he quickly grabs it and settles back into my bed.  We begin the usual of huffing the spray huffing the liquid and drinking so we are both pretty toasted at this stage.  My finger has rubbed his hole enough but not go in as of yet as I know what this boy craves and that is my cock up his ass... Not just yet my pretty you have some work you need to do to get that.
I make him work sucking my cock and eating my ass, kissing me deep and verbally calling him every filthy name you can think of, he likes it and asks that I do it.  Now with the Spray the poppers and the pill along with half a glass of vodka and no food in him he begins to fall asleep ugh!!!!  What else should I do but fuck him while he sleeps.   So he is on his back snoring away and I lift his legs and push my cock in him and fuck him for a bit but not to much but my cock is in him raw and feels so sweet inside him.   I am getting pushy and aggressive and slightly annoyed so the punishing side of me comes out, I swing him around on the bed so his head is hanging off the side and start to push my rank dick into his open mouth...  he takes it gives a gag or two but I keep fucking his mouth right after I was in his hole.  I lean down to kiss him and the smell of rank ass is on his lips and mouth so hot.  I then squat over his face and make him lick my hole out... He does everything he is made to do.  We are cooking along and at one point I grab for the spray hit it with the cloth and huff on it a bit, he begins to straddle me and we are connected with his face against mine I am feeling the effects of the spray hitting my head and my cock is positioned right at his hole and I whisper into his ear... Put it in your hole, he reaches back and takes my cock and aims it for his hole and sits right back on it.  Hot damn this boy is one hungry bottom....  He rides that cock for a good bit and slides it out of him.
Now this is not something all that new but it does lead to more of me putting my raw dick up inside of him which is so hot.  I had let him know prior to us meeting that I had wanted to have him lay over the side of the couch so I can get real deep up inside of him... I had even laid out a towel by the couch so we would be ready to go.  We had also talked about how he wanted me to treat him like he was a Pussy a Cunt and to use those words on him when we were in the throw of things... I did use those words on him and you could see how it made him more eager to please and more wanting of my cock.   The use of the poppers and the spray along with the pill was making him sleep, each time he would do the spary he would fall asleep and begin to snore, this was getting constant and was pissing me off.  Not that you could be mad at this guy but I wanted the back and forth the nursing of my cock him doing for me!!  I became aggressive each time and would wake him up with either my ass in his mouth or my cock.  Finally we took out a condom and he wrapped my cock with it he also lubed up his ass more (not that he needed it) with that expensive cream.
Silly but it annoyed me as that shit is expensive and did not want him wasting it on his hole, which the first time I fucked it I used spit and he took it like a champ.   After he wrapped me up he started to get up and head out the bedroom door kinda grabbing me along the way... This boy was looped so he was swaying and he is like 5'10 170 so he is big to handle... I ask him where we going and he says slurred.... The Couch....
He heads for the living room but I was going with the great room as the arm of that couch left plenty of room on the side for me to stand....  I showed him and he flung himself over the arm of the couch with his ass held high... I pondered for a moment to take off the condom but I pulled back on that...I begin to go in and knowing full well at this point he could not feel a thing.. I started to fuck this boy and head deep in with zero regard for him... this was my show...   We are going at it and within a few mins of fucking him he stops and goes to start to get up staggering.... I am like, boy where are you going?  He begins to point down at the floor and low and behold there was his load ... ahhh  i fucked it out of him again without him touching himself.  Score!!!   I pull out of him and he is swaying and heading for the floor and I place him down on his ass to sit.
I grab the towel wipe up the cum and take same towel and make a pillow for us....  we cuddled it was lovely and I was hard as a rock as I had yet to cum... I also do this water thing where I drink like 3-4 glasses of water right before he comes over this makes me have a piss hard on as I cannot pee when my cock is that hard.  So it keeps me strong and hard and I love it.  I intertwine with him and he intertwines with me and it is really nice, quiet, peaceful.... I am still horny so I am rubbing his back placing small kisses on his face and he is not responding as I knew he would not but still I love to push that envelope....  He pulls me in tighter and we settle into a 15 min cuddle...He is trying to come down off the high as he has taken in so much poppers and spray along with that dumb pill.   So 15 mins later he starts to come to and he wants to explain the trip he has been on with all these drugs... He is trying to explain about something to do with Water.... So finally he gets up I suggest the bed and he says no he has to wake up.  He gets up and walks over to the kitchen area and walks in.... So let me explain how the kitchen works cause its important the layout...
It is a U shaped Kitchen which is wide open to the sitting area where the counter tops are in the U if your looking at the letter he goes to sit on the counter at the love left of the U so that where it meets in that angle he is parks his well fucked ass ontop of the counter... looking so dam hot this hunky straight dude sitting on the countertop in front of me trying to explain this water thing....  
He watches Anime and that is some cartoon based on Animals being human like but being Cartoons... I dont get it but I know in previous conversations he has talked about using as an outlet for Porn....   anyway he went to go see The lil Mermaid right before he got here and he felt that when I was fucking him over the arm of the couch he was the Mermaid and I was me but not me someone named Darrell   I fucked him and cam in him... (He kept saying to me prior that I had cummed, I kept correcting him) the cumming in him made him explode.....  This is the stuff you get from using the spray.... at one point when I sucked it in I remember standing on a street in the town I grew up in and my Dads old car parked a bit away.... so he would have these major delusional trips to funky and messed up like where did this come from.....  This has led him to me slapping him hard across the face, he suggested I do it to him that night in the throws of passion or tripping out....I knew he did not really like it and it triggered shit in him that was not nice... so I did it half heartedly...  That one time he asked me to smack him he kept saying do it harder so I would and I would kiss him also to ease him down off of it then I would go back again and smack him hard... he eventually stopped me, later he told me that he was kidnapped in a white pick up truck and beat up.... nothing sexual.
This stuff fucks ya up!  So there he is sitting ontop the countertop and he is telling me where he was going in his loopiness....  I feed him some bread and after awhile you can see he is coming down and he is looking at me naked and he begins to pull on his cock, I did not pay him any attention but I can clearly see him pulling on his cock and he wants me to see it... I am up close to him and I am rubbing his thighs with deep strokes and he is liking it as his dick begins to grow...  I just go down on him and says   "wow I cant believe you are doing that"   Light goes off in my head.... time to push the envelope....  after getting him hard I pull up from his cock and tell him now it is his turn to suck me off without any poppers... He gets that feared  look in his eyes but you can tell at this stage it is a forced reaction on his part to convince not only me but him that he could not possibly do anything without it.  He quickly gets up and starts to head to the bedroom... I am kinda pissed cause I wanted it in the kitchen.... I follow him in determined that this was going to happen and tell him to get down on his knees... he is reluctant and still has the deer in the headlights look on him.... I am letting him know by my attitude that this was gonna happen ... he is yelping about the poppers and if he could and I let him know that he was not getting any until he wrapped his mouth around my cock......  I reach for the poppers to ease his mind that he at least knew it was within reach...  I go to unscrew it he is looking at me and I take a hit and put the cap back on and he is like "what none for me"  I put it down reach for the back of his head and tell him to "suck my cock" and he looks at it and slowly opens his mouth and takes it in.   I made him suck me for awhile he gagged and spouted but I am sure my dick tasted like ass at this stage so.... he is looking to get fucked and I am still wanting to play so I am drawing it out and i am not looking for condoms for him...  he says to me "can you put it inside of me without a condom on"  he has that look in his eyes of fear and pleading.  i was getting the vibe right before that I was going to openly fuck him raw... he is moaning about it and I clearly tell him that I am putting my cock in his ass without it.. he says nothing and lays back for me to fuck him.....  I do and pull out and hose him down with my cock... he had already cummed just from my dick being in his ass.....   Afterwards we discussed me fucking him raw as he and the fiancee do not use them... she cannot bear children.....  He is 95% sure I am clean but 100 would let me take him how I want to.... Gotta find a form...   After I cam we layed on the bed and cuddled some more .... so nice...
He got up and got into a frantic as he had to meet the fiancee somewhere and took off... I cleaned up and sat in marvled bliss.... So when I went back into the kitchen after he left I could see where he had been sitting that there was the imprint of his crack on the countertop... It is now Wednesday and I have not cleaned that spot yet....
The rest of the weekend was good, hung out Saturday did Laundry and headed to my Sisters at 4 for dinner, came back here around 11
Next day was pure nothingness just the kinda day you have to steal it was nice and relishing in having fucked that cute boy
Sunday night the ex texted me and was asking how to pay the cable bill as they were calling...I did not text him back and waited till Mon morning at 7am, let him know how and  he texts me again how he paid the bill and it was $689.00   and could I help him out with the MOTHER FUCKING BILL!!  he did not say that I did the MF part....  I was still on a high and texted him back and explained that I had Apartment bills deposits first and last month furniture etc....  I was not paying that MOTHER FUCKING BILL!  So he texts me back (mind you we have not spoken since I left 23 days ago... )  so is this permanent?  I write him back "I guess so, how many times can you hear "get out of my house" till you know its time to go.
His response..." ok"   FUCKING OK!  Good God this asshole is so lame he is so "push me I am coming'
I aint pushing no more.
I went to the Shrink and I felt at times there was no feedback I was just having him listen to me and awkwardly answering me when I left great pauses... I was thinking to myself come on man would you diagnose me or something kinda like call me out on my shit.... nothing... Although when I would do the silent game he would begin to talk, so that is kind of how I would like it to be.  This is new so will take sometime.  He did give me good insight as I have been stressing out over going to get my stuff out of the house.  My Sister has been nagging at me to go and get my stuff and I have been reluctant as I did not want to go and get my stuff bring it back to here and move it again to my new place :-)  At the same time I was putting off a huge project that I know we be painful and lots of fucking work.  I figured it out that she just wants me to end my pain that I have been enduring about having to do this I have mentioned it to her.  Shrink said to ask that lady who owns the house to see if I could bring some stuff over before moving in....will see how that goes.  I got home today and got an email from the realtor that everything was a go and that I could call the lady she provided her phone number....  This realtor is good like her alot...in talking to her when I went to her office to sign the lease I commented on the Stove and how it was old and how did I approach the lady to get a new one... the Broker was there and she suggested I wait a few months and then bring it up.....I was okay with that...yet in todays email she told me that she told the broker that I made a comment about the stove and the other realtor came back and said there was discussion about the replacing the fridge, I was all for it!  So they said not to mention the stove till later but I will, hopefully it will filter to her via her realtor.
Sister wants to go shopping with me on Saturday like first thing in the morning and go out for dinner later and for me to sleep over... no no and no...I am scared to go shopping as I do not want to spend any money but I need shit, like Furniture, washer and dryer cable the whole nine yards and it is scary as I am as broke as broke could be...  I budgeted it out and I have 1700 to spend and that leaves me with nothing come the first of the month..Did I mention I need everything... Again my Mom said she would buy me everything so hopefully that will come true!!!  

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Let's bring on the Sex, when I first moved into the house in 99 he was off to Canada  and gone for 3 months which was just what I was looking for, new territory and a place to play that was private and in a controlled environment.  I met a good deal of stragglers, folks who were looking for a one night stand a little fun and someone to help them get off.  That was me, the guy who was going to get you off, while getting himself off at that same time.  What was it that made me want to venture outside to get something that I was missing at home.  Why did  I feel the need to go out and make myself available to those that were looking for the same exact thing that I needed. Cause I was and am a cheater and looking out for me sexually.  Sex with him was not great, minus the times he was high as as kite, those times he was like putty in my hand and would do just what I needed... They were far and few between, it was sporadic at best and something that I had a really tough time with.  His libido was in the toilet compared to me and I would aggravate myself and him on how little amount of sex we would have.  He was not intimate at all and while I was a tiger in the morning he did not like to be touched and if he did allow me to it would end up being me the aggressor and him just laying there.  It was rough as I would stupidly work myself into a tizzy in the morning, I learned to stop that.
So guys I met....
Had some great affairs with some young cute guys...  Had this one guy he was Hispanic, smart good looking on the tall side.   He was in a relationship and it was ending and he was on the hunt not for fucking but for a boyfriend he had ethics something I love to bust.
Met him on AOL right after the king left we talked for a long time online, I was and still am pretty good at that.  I lured him and played him and roped him in.  He came over one night and he was like a Cheshire cat and I really could not figure him out.  He was very good looking and I felt that he might have been disappointed in my looks.  Either way we went out for dinner in town.  I was so nervous that someone we knew would see us, we flirted at dinner and I went so far as to pay for dinner and ask him back to the house.
He was mine, lock stock and barrel and I fucked him that night over and over again I do not think we slept.
At one point I went downstairs to have a Cigarette and he followed a few minutes later.. I was sitting on the couch smoking in my bathrobe and he came down and gave him a really hot blow job while I smoked.  I thought that was so hot.  He was becoming very attached to me and we were actually "dating"  I knew my time was coming close and soon the King would be home so I as I always do. abandoned him.
During that period I met this hot Italian Construction guy.  Antonio great body all man dirty from labor drove a white pick up and was only interested in being a cocksucker.  The first time we met he came over after weeks of talking online.  He walked in and I was like "WHAT" this guy was hot Italian great body about 5'9 just oozed masculinity.  He was Married and lived close by.
So he comes in we go upstairs and I always remember he would take off his shoes, again he was this contractor so he was always covered in dusty dirty clothes.  We head upstairs and I begin to strip down as does he and lay on the bed... I go to kiss him and he is not interested and then I work over his body he was lean cut and so fucking sexy.... This was not what he wanted... what he wanted was to be used he wanted to be a cocksucker he was not interested in having sex with me. He wanted to kneel down and just be a cocksucker but it had to be with a condom on.  When I was going to cum I was to rip the condom off and blow all over his face.  Not easy or sexy getting sucked with a condom on but hey who was I to argue.  I do remember one time him coming over and he got now to the point where he would not even take his clothes off, he would just come in to suck cock with a condom on, he is kneeling in the bedroom work boots on dirty jeans and t shirt tanned muscular hot looking Italian.  I pull the condom off yank back his head by his hair and start to shoot and I would dump loads on him...  he would wipe it from his face and leave, this time as he is walking to the door I go to open it and look at him and he has this clump of Cum in his hair!  I never told him but I got a good kick out of that.  His and I's relationship is still going on.  It has evolved in many ways the last session me attempting to fuck him and sadly I shot my load while to attempting to and could not get hard.  He swallows my cum now allows me to touch him.  It came to be that I was not allowed to touch him and he would remain clothed when we were together, I pushed and pushed and pushed to now when he comes over the drill is, you strip naked and stripe me also.  I got him to begin swallowing my cum playing with his ass.  This guy is a Pervert and a sex addict and it has taken me sooo damn long to get him to this stage.  15 years as long as I have lived in that house....   We have talked so much online it is an odd friendship.  I use him he wants more from me then I am willing to give, not relationship wise but more people to serve.  I ain't into that I don't want competition if I am not enough for you when you are with me than it is time to find somebody else.  I am not a pimp that job is to big.... So I have pretended that I have this group of guys  who want to use him and be a cocksucker and piss slave and hostess and cleaner and server the list goes on.  So I bide my time saying lets meet and hope we get to talk to them but they are not real so he does not talk to them.  This frustrates him because he says he wants it but in the end he does not really want it.   I have set up imaginary meetings with people coming to the house to be serviced all planned and ready to go and when the time comes he is a no show... Each and every time he would not show up.  I saw him once drive by and he could not pull the trigger...  No one was at the house and no one was coming as I had made it up so he would come and I would get to fuck his throat.... he was damn good at sucking cock... I don't know if it was the way he would do it but it got so that it was overwhelming all my senses he would make me cum so fast it was all it was him sucking me off and leaving within 10 minutes....  I would attempt and am kinda there now the prolonged session.. I remember one time we went to a house he was building and we were upstairs in a large closet and I molested him full onslaught my hands all over that hot sexy body touching his cock making him hard and him allowing me.  Realize that his was a huge no no that I touch him but I was cocky he arranged the meet with the premise that I would call them and he could talk to them.  That was hot to feel his cock get hard in my hand knowing he liked it..  This was a problem for me as I felt he was not attracted to me and was using me (ha) for getting more guys who have NEVER materialized, yet he wants to suck me off and is willing to be fucked and pissed and spat on and eat out my ass and.... It is a full time job!
I just got him to send me a pic of his cock....   He is hot and we know each other better then most.
Here is the cinch er he does not know that I am Gay he thinks I am married....  One night at the Home Depot I see him and he sees me and I am with the King....  I LOVED IT, him not so much as the next time I saw him online he was really bothered by it I told him that the King was my Brother.. HA!  The things I do for my cock....
Another time I had been talking to this one guy who was shady at best and was from PA and had a buddy who lived the next town over and how he wanted to come over and hang with me and than go over to his buddies house.  I don't really think we hardly exchanged pictures.
He pulls up on a Motorcycle and walks in and is drop dead gorgeous but in a natural way, his body was lean rock hard with just the right amount of hair on it..  So damn sexy and I am like WOW...  He proceeds to be a complete and total bottom that I could use and abuse anyway I want and I had this guy doing everything and in the end got him to clean his Ass off my cock.  This guy was so hot so viral so manly it was amazing my cock stayed hard for hours.  We went at it for 2 hours so hot!
See these are good memories to me those are hot sexy and so taboo along with being fun!!
Needed that fun.... What I have always been good at is getting guys who were taboo, married bi, straight and seducing them and getting to fuck them and busting that cherry.  I did that to many guys over my lifetime and got them to like it.  Not sure what that is but being in tune with the other person is a great deal of work but if you find the right person who is willing I can turn that boy out in no time.
Lance.... 2 years ago the King decides to rent a house in PA some rural setting and bring his family and yadda yadda yadda for 2 fucking weeks... I am so not interested.... Plus it gave me play time.... Before he left we were fighting about something stupid and I did not really talk to him when he was gone.  I let him know that I would come at the tail end of the trip like the Thurs-sun which I did.
I go online one night and this guy sends me a message am I interested in jerking off together....   He opens his pics and I am like you are cute and no one else is knocking on my door....  So I invite him over and we do some Poppers it was like his first time doing this type of thing..... He is so handsome, actor but not currently, clean cut Colorado Mennonite looks... as that is who he is.  So innocent and so charming and handsome I get a yummy feeling when he is over.  The first night he comes in I am jonesing to touch this guy but I am also being respectful cause that is how you win someone over.  We sat in the living room I did not have any porn on and pulled our pants down and started to take hits off the poppers and look at this straight handsome 28 yr old engaged guy with a big fat dick and proceed to Jerk off with.  So I am looking at him and he is looking at me and we are both hard core staring at each others cocks.  I so wanted to reach out to his dick but I so wanted for him to reach out for my cock.  He had set the rules and this is what he was looking for and I was not looking for someone to freak out on me so I shot a load in 10 mins and he was gone after he shot.    The following day he sees me online and says "hey, can we get together"  I came back with ya it was fun but I am looking for a little more then just jerking off.....   His reply was "okay lets see where we do"  so he was hooked and now I had to sink him.
He comes in I feed him some shots of Vodka we have the poppers and I have the attitude that this guy is going to submit.
This was so new to him he had never before gone this far with a guy, I was scared but so wanting it.  Yet cause I am such a nice guy I did not want to be harsh.... He wanted it, this was his goal he wanted someone to show him who he is.  An amazing bottom.....  I turned this boy out, I made him into a true cocksucker.
We are laying side by side and looking at each others cock and me afraid to tell him to suck my cock.  So I go for his and attempt to get it hard.  Did not take me long, some hits of poppers along with several shots of Vodka he was putty in my hands.....  While I was down servicing his cock I began to open up his ass with saliva and fingers and like a butterfly it spreads its wings.

So I pulled the trip together with zero help from him.  I invited my Family for the first 4 days, his for the remaining 4 and his friends.  I did that so he would not complain, he showed up and remained so quiet and withdrawn as if it were a punishment for him a sentence, he treated me kindly but I knew that it was not something he wanted to do and it was an obligation to him.  My Family pulled out all the stops gratefully they hired a Chef and set the house up for a sit down dinner for 19 people!  All my Family, my Brother flew in from Colorado with his wife and 2 children along with the rest of my nieces, nephews and Sisters along with my Mom.   The house is a grand place a Mansion that sits on the Bay with lovely views and massive space, an elevator a Chefs Kitchen it suited us all very well and I will say that it was a great time.  My Mom asked to stay for 2nd part which delighted me so much that she wanted to be a part of my life and friends who all happen to be Gay for the most part.  She was quiet and I was very attentive to her she was glad to be with there which made me very happy.  His Mom was with us too and it was so clear the difference between the two.  His Mom never moved my Mom did not stop and she got along great with everyone and contributed and was so active and participated.  I know she did all of this for me.  It was a good time and I do believe everyone had a great time.  It was costly but I was happy I was able to provide this not only for me but everyone who was important in my life.
I was disappointed that he contributed nothing and more so that he did not even bother to give me a gift but I guess he felt by him being there was his present.  I reminded him when when we got home that I invited his friends for him and he thanked me for that.   In remembering, I knew to stay away from him I knew that he would be looking for some reason to pick a fight be it something I may say or do anything so he could make it about him.  I did not give him that leverage as this was my time not his.
Time went on and his travel kept him busy and my Job kept me occupied and we went through the motions. I was happiest when he was away and would count down to when he was leaving it kept me motivated and I knew he hated it and he made such a big deal about it but in my head I would be counting days.  What a stupid way to live, was i that much of loner or were things so bad that I knew my only sanity would be when he would just go.  I think about those thoughts because in the end he was refusing to travel and I think that I knew when he was saying that, it was time for me to exit. I knew coming home day after day to see him either sitting on that couch having done nothing all day long or if in the case he did do something, it had to be exalted to the highest mountain on how wonderful he was that he DID something.  I would praise him as he needed that but if it was me doing something it was met with "well you did not do it for me"
He was and is a bitter old sod, it became so tedious and torturous to listen to on a daily basis.
When he traveled I would never call him cause I was happy not to have to listen to how tired he was or how he missed everything and then he would begin to list all he missed and how his job cost him so much and on and on...  I believe in the end it was his complaining his negative attitude along with his laziness that did us in. I do not have the best of lives at times it is a struggle but the one thing I do have is my sense of humor if you cannot laugh and make chide of something it all becomes so daunting... Countless times he would tell me I am not funny, I knew I was and I did not care what he thought because his goal was to beat me down only to make him feel better about himself...  That was his schtick his moniker if you will, if someone else was worse off than he, he was in a good place.  He would never go out of his way to help someone and if he did I needed to be included.  I remember the time we moved his Parents and Sister and Husband with Child from the place they lived to be closer and be in a better neighborhood along with being closer to us.  They visited every weekend it was endless and would stay over so it would be two days.  I knew that this would never stop and wanted no part of it and figured if I move them closer it will suit my needs as they don't need to stay over anymore.   After several weeks I stumbled upon this older 2 family in the next town over and went to take a look it was pretty good for what they needed.  Some cosmetic work and it would be great.
The amount of SHIT that these people had accumulated was astounding, rows and rows of crap and towels and linens and bathroom sets and Curtains and clothes and "As Seen on TV" crap.  On the day of the closing before anyone had moved in I took it upon myself to clean out the basement.  The morons who lived in the house Vented the dryer into the basement so it was covered in lint.  I donned some Goggles a hat an jacket, took the blower and blew all the lint that was covered on rafters and what not.   It was a big task but in the end it looked great clean as a whistle.  They hired 4 moving Vans and it took them 2 days to move.  by the time I got back to the house after cleaning the basement I went down to view my work and found the place stacked wall to ceiling with boxes and CRAP  Freezers, Fridges, every tool known to mankind.   The place was packed and only to find out that they had purged everything they could prior to moving.   It was sad actually as you saw the amount of money that was spent on CRAP.  I was at the house when his Mom and Dad moved in and was unloading boxes in the Kitchen I pulled out 14 bottles of Cinnamon with Sugar all opened.  His Mom was a serious shopper she bought everything but it was crap all junk nothing  He got the house with a mortgage not bad for a 70 something year old.  So after my cleaning and doing what I did, I took a day to go house hunting with my Sister and we took a ride over to see the place and there he is washing something in the living room and he looks at me like I was pariah and how dare I not be with him and doing for him.  I had already cleaned all the Windows in the house, I was happy that he was pissed cause I knew how he felt.  He declared that move the worst thing he ever did.  They would come to him for everything as they could not get out of their own way.  He enabled them, as that is why they always went to him.  He fought them and they saw his bitter side and his callous attitude, was not easy and he made a name for himself.  Bully....Hence the reason why he said it was his greatest mistake.

I now knew that this was a make or break deal.  I knew that I needed to have something that would bind us together or we would never be together.  The money was holding us back, the house was holding me back.
I knew in the end that I would never benefit financially from paying him to live as his houseboy.  It was all he wanted and he was not going to get it.  He paid off his Mortgage and I remember his Mother saying to his Neice "now you will always have a place to live"  Who was I?  Where the fuck did I fit into that?
No where!!!!   Sadly I do not have saved funds and am living paycheck to paycheck not a good money manager am I but I could afford a 2nd home a Vacation home one that we could call our own, something not to far, big enough to entertain and be impressive and hold a good amount of people.  He was in and the search began.   He agreed to come up with the down payment 20% and I would pay the remainder.
As the search began his selfish ugly side would rear its head, it was now about him and his Vacation home and how when I buy the Vacation home.  Finally one evening after hearing for the 90th time I pulled him aside and said "Stop saying this is your Vacation home this is ours"   You would have thought I told him that the Earth just stopped spinning a look of bewilderment like "really??"  followed by "okay"  but it was not okay he was still making it the "King" show he was large and in charge.   I stumbled upon in my search a 5 bedroom Stone sided house that was grand!  It had a massive center hall with large rooms for entertaining and sat up in a lovely little sleepy town with a Stream in front and a Barn.  It was not perfect by any stretch but it was nice.  It was owned by a Gay man who lived there with his lover and they had Theatrically decorated the place so surface wise it was lovely underneath it had its share of issues but nothing that you could not repair overtime.   I was in love I was so happy and proud to be able to say I got a house now, even though it was 2 hours away and he was putting down the deposit but it looked to be great fun for what our needs were.   We got close real close, I had an inspector come in and yes it needed a roof and had some water issues but the bones were good and at the end of the day the inspector said he would buy it.
I went on vacation that day of the inspection he joined me for the inspection and went home afterwards where he and am sure his family talked himself out of it.  When I called him the following day I knew the deal was done and it was just me struggling to get him to see that this could be fun.   It was not to be and after coming home from Vacation he pulled the power card and said go ask your Family for the money I am not interested and that was that.    This was followed the following year of another house hunt this time on his terms and his territory, I followed along with some hope but I knew in the end it would not happen.  He once again pulled away from the deal and I said to myself never again.  As I knew it was not meant to be.  While all that was going a gut renovation of his house was taking place and it was going to be lovely he spent over 100k on this and it turned out very nice, I was proud to live in it and took great strides to make it a showplace.  I planted and decorated till it looked like a true party place and lovely setting to be.  At this stage I no longer cared what he thought and entertained my Family in abundance and this did not please the King he fought me in silent battles and kept reminding me that it was his house.  His rage would come on and he would scream at me to "get out of my house"   I ignored his empty and veiled threats and continued on in my persuit of creating a showplace, anytime someone came over they were charmed by the house how they were made to feel and how welcoming I had created it, I took great pride in something that was not my own and would and could be snatched away at any moment.  The King at this stage was drinking heavily and I knew to avoid and learned how not to provoke him by staying silent and carrying on by planning different venues and inviting folks over for cookouts dinner parties etc.   In the end I saw who I was and I was just the houseboy once again cooking and cleaning and decorating and it was all for naught.  His travels were slowing down his Job put him on Freelance and he began to anger more and more.  The complaining began daily, his rhetoric began that no one knew what he was going through and how he had been betrayed by his Job and how dare they make him freelance.  This of course left him with no security of employment and attacked his self esteem, which was so low at that point anyways.  In that bit of time span he lost his Dad to a Viral infection bought on by a Hospital that misdiagnosed him.   The King tried but his Dad at this point had given up.  His family, sadly are so disabled that they could not get out of their own way and were left scrambling trying to figure out what to do.  The King felt that tough love was the only way to get his Dad back and hired this crazy Russian lady who lived at the house while his Dad was  recuperating.   I watched how they just let the King come in and take over and they let this woman be cruel and mean to the Father and he felt it was right and that was the why he would get better.  In the end he died from the infection and the King blamed himself, a tough thing on him but this is who he is.
What I learned through all that was how selfish his Mother was how unwilling she was to assist her husband to cook or care for him.  She was able but played the weak card and watched this man her husband who treated her as a Princess die in front of her eyes.   After he passed she played the victim card she was pissed that her husband of 40 some odd years had left her and she no longer could go out whenever she wanted and shop till her hearts content.  For her children were surely not going to do it, as she herself was a selfish person and had raised the same people.  I watched how they abandoned her leaving her alone to sit in the Living room at the house while I entertained and did not care to go over and have her join in.  One evening her daughter and her granddaughter went out for dinner, here was an 84 year old Woman who was feeble at best left to walk on her on to some Restaurant and she fell and broke her wrist, no remorse in fact they laughed about it.  Again you get what you give and she got what she gave.  She began to have health issues and slowly began to decline, it was also the constant complaining the Doctors the aches the pains it was constant and nothing was going to make this Woman happy.  They abandoned her and left her to sit in the house dragging her to Dinners and our house and plopping her in a chair and leaving her to herself.
I liked her mostly out of respect and I felt sad for her as she was alone and had lost a Man who placed her on this pedastal, something she would never have again.   The King would plan Vacations mostly renting of houses within driving distance and she would find a chair and never move, she complained constantly and they repeatedly ignored her while she deteriorated.
My 50th Birthday was rapidly approaching and as usual had no one to do anything for me but me.  Not entirely true my Family would have sent me to the Moon and back but my partner not so much.
He was on one of his trips which at this stage in the were beginning to debilitate him so the mere mention of him helping me put something together would send him into a tail spin of "do you have anyone idea what I do"
So I had found this house down at the Shore that had 9 bedrooms in around 10,000 square feet and decided that I would rent it for 10 days and throw a week long party.   I cannot remember where he was or what Country he was in but when I called him to tell him that this was what I was doing and how I was going to split the trip with my Family arriving for the first part of the week and then our Friends and his Family arriving for the 2nd part of the week.  His answer to me was "I dont think I can do that after coming home from this trip I will do the 2nd part of the week."    I am not sure if it was the 2nd glass of Wine I had already consumed or the fact that I was so taken aback on how callous and selfish he was that my reply was "if you do not come on this entire trip with me we are done.   How does the saying go "nothing goes unpunished"

An enabler is someone who is self created, someone who has no sense of self or worth and places themselves second to the person who they are enabling.  This is a tough if not poisonous position to be in as your sense of self and who you are become silent and all you are doing is seeking ways to put out fires and prop up that other person in anyway possible.  Still I fought him as I was angry and unfulfilled, my Family was not in anyway part of my life, I was Gay to them and felt that they viewed me as shameful (stupid thoughts) they were not invited over by him and in a way it was okay for the time as I did not want them to see what I had become and what power he had over me.  He was the King and needed to be viewed that way but it left me with no sense of who I was and in the end what was I at that point.
The travels are what I looked forward to the most as I could be whoever I wanted to be.  Strangers would come over for sex and I could be a Lawyer a Financial person etc.... Living in a nice house with nice trappings and all by myself.  I would be a guy who just ended a long term relationship with someone who moved to another country for work or some other crazy concocted at the spur of the moment idea.
It was fun hiding in pretend identity's but in the end it was all about pretending just so I could get off, have great sex and feel good afterwards, taking care of me.   No one was taking care of me, no one was asking or seeing how I felt or what was I feeling as I had hidden myself so deep that I myself did not want to know who I was.  In reality I was a cheating lying enabler who was there to serve him and his entourage.
This creates in one's self a deep sense of self loathing which at times I heaped onto him.  I soon began to exert this to him and began to voice my disappointments to him.  This was when I learned what a selfish man he was.  He was not interested in hearing any of my frustrations.  I had a good friend, smart guy who read and kept himself well informed, he leaned far to the right in his political views was recently divorced but he was a good guy fun to have around and we got along really well as I helped him to blossom into who he was and is.  I like being that guy.  He would challenge the King on some of the crap that would spew out of his mouth.   The King may have had his moments at work but when it came to current events or what was happening in the world outside his, he was illiterate.  My friend knew this and boosted himself as he knew what was going on in our relationship and he saw the way I was being treated and saw how he was placed on Pedestal and his goal was to knock him off of it.  Knock he did and NO ONE knocks the King.
The King saw him as a threat and once a threat you are banished and in no uncertain terms I was told he was no longer allowed in the house.  It was his house, who was I to fight him and perhaps by giving him that would prove to him that I really loved him.   Stupid is as stupid does, it only gave him more power and only proved to me that I had no backbone and he was in charge and do not dare cross him ever.
The guy was banished he knew it and our friendship was severed, he eventually moved out of State to be closer to his Family but in the end it left me with no friend.
The travel continued and I began a new job working in the City making pretty good money and now allowing me to play in a new territory.  New Bars, bath houses and good sex.  I will not boast about my looks but suffice to say I have the look of a Kennedy and appear to be Married and innocent, something that helps me attract others who are in the similar situation.  I like those folks as they are not affected by the whole Gay scene and culture which is not my cup of Tea.  On those Fridays that I got paid I would go out and play while he was home and played I did and would end up in a Cab to take me back home.   Things were going good, my salary had vastly improved and I was able to start clearing out the debt and taking care of the personal items that were holding me back.  The job was good as it kept me out of the house for the times he was home.  For some reason during that job in the City he did not travel all that much and it was fun to have him come into the City and see some shows dine out and feeling good as I had some coin in my pocket.
A few times he got a bug up his ass about me not coming home on a Friday night (payday) as I did not care what he thought and he was not going to interfere with my good times.  So I would not call just to piss him off and hang out at the Bars and the Bath houses finally calling him when I had stumbled into a Cab making up some excuse about a co-worker or whatever.  I liked it, I liked it because it got him to care about me it got him to be concerned about me and I continued it till it pissed him off.   Sadly I lost that job and remained unemployed for close to two years surviving on unemployment.   It was not easy as I was unsure of where to go next and no one was knocking on my door with employment and honestly I liked it.  Getting paid for staying home was rather nice.Till the one day when it ran out and out of the blue and a gift came to me a Company interviewed me and hired me gratefully.  It was not near the money I was making but it was an income something I was grateful for.  Funny enough I knew NOTHING about the new job, all I knew was that I was a Manager and was in charge of two people and an office.   I sat in the office for over a year generated a report weekly and collected my paycheck. In the end I got frustrated fired everyone and took control of what was my Career.  With some new accounts and some self taught things I began to flourish, got a new boss and things began to become busy and work was fun at times but hard often enough.
This of course interfered with the King as he did not like anything to come between us and preferred that he have the starring role.  In that time I also began a sense of independence of what I wanted and what I needed.  I knew at the end of the day his house was his house and that was made abundantly clear to me on several occasions.  I had tried at this time to begin bringing my Family into my life again inviting them over and trying to make it not so much about him but about us and combining our lives.   I would put together dinners, nights out etc all to be met with zero desire from him.
One night it was his Sisters Birthday and he was having a surprise party for her he kept asking me "who else should I invite"   I was not going to feed him anything as I wanted to hear him say "tell your family to come" sadly that never happened and during the course of the evening my Sister called unaware of what was going on and proceeded to rile me up or should I say knock some sense into me on how none of my Family was invited.  A light bulb went off in my head that night which I wish had not and after everyone had left and we were shit faced I went after him not with a vengeance but with more of the pity side and victim.
The flood gates opened and it became violent the likes I had never seen before he hit me I hit him he left me with bruises on my face and it took all I could to calm him down as he was in his fits of rage, holding him down trying every which way to calm him down with anything I could think of.  I awoke the next morning and took a look in the mirror to see my black and blue face.  Soon after he got up and when he walked into the Kitchen and seeing my face his remark was "what happened to you"   It was a breaking point in our relationship as this had now gone to another place, abuse.  Still I had no intention of leaving as I had no where to go and no money to do so with, maybe the money not so much but I did not want to give up the trappings.   I failed to mention that prior to all of this his Sister finally ended a 20 yr marriage to a drunk and an abusive guy (basically she married her brother)  She took up right after that with a guy from her office who was a Republican, macho Spanish fellow who was and is homophobic.  One evening at the house freshly into the relationship I heard his Sister call this guy out on being a homophobes.  Jimmy the guy who I spoke about earlier was at the house and he despised this guy and I casually went up and told Jimmy what I had overheard.   Sadly his Mother was nearby and heard me and basically accused me of being a trouble maker.  This got back to the King and it began to eat away at him that someone dare talk about his Sister or her BF in anyway and that it will not be tolerated.  I will never forget that moment he called me at work I went outside and took the call and he began to go off on my on how dare I say anything and this was not going to be a Witch Hunt on the new boif.  I stated very clearly that what I heard was what I heard and it was honest and it was truthful and if he was unwilling to hear it then he was a fool and to stop living like all is fine in the world.   I went after him hard and more then I had ever before as he was telling me to lay down and take it and have no say and how dare I repeat to anyone what I may have heard.   It was the truth he knew it but did not want to hear it.  This would be a blemish on his Sister something that he would not stand for.
That night I came home and he broke up with me and told me to get out.
The price you pay for speaking up I learned.   I got up the next morning and went Apartment hunting I was hurt I was so sad and I could not stop crying, I came home to him that day and walked in on him being all smug and broke down crying he retreated his threat and I stayed.  Weeks later I found out from a friend of his that he did that to test me and he had no intentions of throwing me out.  It scarred me pretty badly as I knew I was stuck in this abusive mind fucking relationship and was my own worst enemy as I was weak and unable to pull myself up by the boot straps and leave on my own.  The anger had now begun in me and I felt fucked and was so mad at him the world and more so myself.   The suggestion of Couples Therapy came up and we went for it.  What a waste of time me sitting in this Therapists office fighting and crying and all her saying to him was "do you see him crying, how does that make you feel"  He had no feelings and only replied to what she wanted to hear.  I had heard through a friend of his that the Therapist suggested to him on his own to come and see her alone.  He declined saying it was not him who needed the help.  The bit of information only strengthened in me that he has some serious issues.  The Therapist ended our session when I told her how he had hit me on that fateful night of his Sisters party.  She basically threw us both out of her office.  I was shamed and felt like dirt as I was still staying and paralyzed to leave, I brushed it under the rug and pretended it did not happen.  He did likewise and we went back but with great trepidation and a new sense of how to stay out of each others way.   I in turn began to shutdown and tune him out and not listen to whatever was spewing out his mouth because I knew in the end it was his Show, his home, his trappings and I was just a fly in his ointment trapped and he knew it.   I had pledged my love for him time and time again told him how I would never leave him and he we would grow old together.  This only empowered him even more and gave him a greater strong hold on our relationship and how he was in control.
Not sure if you have noticed but I am a control freak and losing myself like that only assisted in bringing more anger to me and anger that I kept hidden.

Sex was not his thing he was not a good kisser, gave medicore blow jobs and only if he was high on Coke and blitzed from Scotch did we have good raunchy sex.  That was about as often as a blue Moon, his style of kissing was darting his tounge in and out like he was fucking my mouth with his tounge, nothing sensual or intimate but weapon like if you will.  I was and still am a Master of my Game...  I seek out and explore what gets a person going in bed, try a few techniques and usually prevail in finding the G spot so to speak.
Although he claimed to be a top I knew otherwise, once I began to blow and finger him at the same time he would come unglued and cum rather quickly sadly.  His version of sex lasted for about 10 mins mine were a min of 45 mins, his complaining "please let me cum" or his cumming to quickly which as always left me hard and leaving me to my own devices.   Disappointing to say the least bad kisser and could not get me off, and I stayed because???
The signs were already in place I choose to ignore them and forge ahead.  His travels took him away for long periods of time and were pretty frequent that he was away more than he was at home.  Which suited me just fine as I began to establish myself in the house and marking my territories.
The one thing that was holding me back was income, I had a small service oriented business that provided me with cash but nothing that you would call steady at all.  I needed to move along from that and found a Telemarketing job for a Dating Service which as always is run by Pigs and users.  It was an evening job but something that started my career.  After leaving that place I found another Dating Service and became a Sales person and a damn good one.  This opportunity gave me my own office staff and a some coin in my pocket.  The hours were poor, staying some nights till past 10 but it did help.  Bills were going unpaid, I had given up my Apartment and moved in with him but left a great deal of bills unpaid.  Not wanting to appear as a shit I spent and never saved and never paid my bills.  This left with me with no Car Insurance, no Credit and bill collectors at my door.  The hemroging had to stop.  It was countless nights at the bars and restaurants tabs coming in at 60-80 a head and followed by endless arguments.  We fought and fought and fought till I could not fight anymore.  I was not paying a dime to live in the house, I would grocery shop pay for the landscaper the Cable, maintained the house in my normal OCD way and basically took care of him.
When he was gone it was smooth as silk, fun, adventurous and sneaky.  Just the way I liked it.  I looked forward to his trips as it gave me breathing room a sense of independence something which I never had and great sex.........
I had found the Internet the Chat rooms and was locked and loaded for anything that might come my way.
It was easy pickings and the pickings were plentiful.  Go online and with 30 mins some guy would be standing at the Front Door waiting for me to fuck him.  Fucked them I did and plenty there was, it was amazing and fun not once did I feel like I was cheating I felt a sense of what I was owed since it was not coming from him it needed to come from somewhere.  A friend remarked to me one time after meeting him out, I just came from freshly fucking some local young kid and he said "you look amazing, you are actually glowing"   I was it was wonderful I had a new hood to choose from and plenty of cock and ass to play with and a place to do it.   He would come home none the wiser and I would play the game of jealous husband to his "followers" that he spoke about on his trips and pouted at times letting him believe that I felt he might be cheating on me.  Did he cheat?  I do not think he did, sex was not his greatest game and he knew it.  Yet I was creating an image for myself as the dutiful husband making up for the lack of income vs his.  His was triple if not 4x greater, at one point I viewed his income tax returns and saw that in one year he made 160k money I could not even dream of.  It was taking its toll on him once he began to spend and realizing he was not able to always enjoy it as he was away.  So the toys, the cars, the new furniture, the renovating of the house was done in fleeting moments of when he was home but soon had to be back out on the road again.
I can see where the jealousy would come into play he felt I was enjoying or reaping the benefits of his hard work and not contributing towards the same thing he was.   At the end of the day it was his house, his family his friends who benefited from all of this, along with me of course.  Yet it was me who maintained who cooked and cleaned for those people who entertained weekends after weekends, bar tending, grilling, serving and cleaning.  After those parties and the following morning everything was back and it appeared like no one was ever in the house.  That was my style my goal my personae, I felt that if I gave all that to him it would make up for the fact that I was not financially capable or dare I say wanting to contribute in any way.  I knew at the end of the day it was all about him, his house his, his, his and I became the houseboy the one who did all those things and made it easier for him, clearly his life was better as I was doing all the dirty work taking care of the things so he would not have to.  This placed him on a Pedastal and I saw it was not only me it was others who would do the same thing for him.  In the end I realize now we were all enablers.

I had been hanging at this bar locally and we had a sort of group that hung out together we would always go the same night it was kinda nice to see those familiar faces and feel comfortable in a surrounding with people of your own kind.  Faces would come and go some stayed and those that did I took an interest in as I felt those were the folks that cared.  One guy in particular was Jimmy he was always sniffing about and remained fairly aloof.  He took a liking to me and began to pour his heart out about his relationship with his boyfriend yadda yadda it went on and on and on. I had attempted to change the subject to ANYTHING and it always went back to his relationship.  It got old and tired real fast.  One night we had an exchange of numbers with a group of us I cannot remember the exact details but suffice to say Jimmy got my number and made several attempts in calling me, thank you caller ID.  Leaving no messages I knew he was attracted to me and I was not to him.  February 2009 he brings a group of people one of them being him (wont be using his name) He was cute thin cut bod hair was wonky looked like Jimmy from HR PuffnStuff he was fun lively flirtatious and cute... My hands were all over him.
I need to preface this by stating that I just recently ended a tumultuous 2 yr relationship with a freshly divorced hot little Italian boy who I taught many a hot lesson to.
I was not looking for a relationship at all, he was!  He hunted me....  I put him off after a call from doing lunch with a group of friends as if to parade me and say "hey, this is me'  Had I only known.
Again I delayed him till mid March and we went to dinner in the Village and went back to his place.
Laying on the living room floor like it was yesterday I could not get hard.   His reaction was, "what did you ex do to you?"   My reaction was, what are you not doing for me?   Not to be in a mean selfish way but something inside of me was not clicking with the vibe or how things were going down.  Not sure but I was a Man of 38 I should have been hard.  Either way I endured and followed a long for a period of time, meeting with his followers his enablers his "fans".   A memorable occasion was after 9 months of dating, he travelled for 5 months of that time and he and his friends rented a house up in Vermont first time with this group in that situation.   Not once did he touch me, we had a fab master bedroom suite king size bed, Jacuzzi tub... not as much as a kiss....  I was furious with him and on the ride home I fumed and he of course said not a word.  Never once admitting we might have a problem.  Pulled into my driveway and I broke up with him he blamed it on his job and said this is who I am.   I walked away for a brief period of time and in all that was happening he was in the middle of buying a house.  Soon after he did buy the house and the day he moved in I went to see.  There he is laying on the Couch while 5 other people are putting his house together, his words out of his mouth when I walked in the door were, "you have no idea"   Those words have been pelted into my ears for 15 years.
Who knows what I was thinking, but I followed him and went after him and he succumbed and when he left for his next trip, which was right after he moved in, I moved in to care for his house and his dogs and his Car.
I killed the Car, the rest all survived.  He came home as he has never seen or felt this kind of service and declared that he wanted me to move into our house.
I took my sweet ass time waited for another trip and moved in, which caused angst as he felt I waited to long and it left him doubt.   Doubt he should have had all along

My first day.... So here I sit away from all chaos the lies the secrets the hiding everything... just me my clothes my car some weed and my laptop
It has been a long but short 15 years of being with someone... Someone whom I may or may not have loved I am not really sure....  I know that I gave him my all that I busted my ass for his house, his Cars his Dogs, his family the list goes on... The question is why?
Was it because I wanted to live the dream of the nice house abundance of things the "trappings" the desire for more the desire to impress to put on a show....  I think I got sucked into it a way out so to speak... It made me grow up, made me create a Career made me grow up so to speak.

Made a life with a man who was and still is an Alcoholic, I knew this going in but it was fine I had been dealing with them for most of my life so I knew or thought I knew how to handle it.  Along with the fact that I liked to indulge myself in both booze and weed, so it was convenient.  I always managed to hide the weed but not always imbibed as did he on the booze.  Man could he drink, drink till he was either passed out or in an all out rage... Rage is what bought this down, physical psychotic rage that would scare the bejesus out of you.  The worst part of it was the fear the fear of what his next move would be.  The tactical ways I would use to bring him down off of the rage were if nothing pathetic.  For I was the pathetic idiot who stayed who endured who suffered and in then end who left.

So what brings me here today this evening sitting in my Mom's house by myself making sporadic calls to various family and friends to let them know what bought me to this stage.

I mention this only because it was only last night after I had spoken to a friend of both of ours more so his that bought me to the point of packing and leaving.  I originally wanted to find an Apartment gather the funds and furnish it to be able to move in which would have taken me the better part of 6-8 weeks.
Yet the conversation I have with that good man snapped inside of my head to motivate me to go grab the luggage and begin to pack.  I took what I could as far as personal effects, clothing, bathroom stuff etc.
Enough that I filled a large piece of luggage and two carry pieces which I piled into the Car.
His look was of surprise but at the same time it was of "whatever" blaming me for not listening to him blaming me for not hearing him.  I listened I was in tune maybe hoping for something more, something I knew was not to come.  He said the word "never" I knew at that point it was time for me to exit.
Exit I did, drove to my Mom's who fortunately is staying at my Sisters and allowed me to be free and alone and able to gather my thoughts and be cathartic.  My journey here will be long it will be filled with highs and lows but for now I am free.