My first day.... So here I sit away from all chaos the lies the secrets the hiding everything... just me my clothes my car some weed and my laptop
It has been a long but short 15 years of being with someone... Someone whom I may or may not have loved I am not really sure....  I know that I gave him my all that I busted my ass for his house, his Cars his Dogs, his family the list goes on... The question is why?
Was it because I wanted to live the dream of the nice house abundance of things the "trappings" the desire for more the desire to impress to put on a show....  I think I got sucked into it a way out so to speak... It made me grow up, made me create a Career made me grow up so to speak.

Made a life with a man who was and still is an Alcoholic, I knew this going in but it was fine I had been dealing with them for most of my life so I knew or thought I knew how to handle it.  Along with the fact that I liked to indulge myself in both booze and weed, so it was convenient.  I always managed to hide the weed but not always imbibed as did he on the booze.  Man could he drink, drink till he was either passed out or in an all out rage... Rage is what bought this down, physical psychotic rage that would scare the bejesus out of you.  The worst part of it was the fear the fear of what his next move would be.  The tactical ways I would use to bring him down off of the rage were if nothing pathetic.  For I was the pathetic idiot who stayed who endured who suffered and in then end who left.

So what brings me here today this evening sitting in my Mom's house by myself making sporadic calls to various family and friends to let them know what bought me to this stage.

I mention this only because it was only last night after I had spoken to a friend of both of ours more so his that bought me to the point of packing and leaving.  I originally wanted to find an Apartment gather the funds and furnish it to be able to move in which would have taken me the better part of 6-8 weeks.
Yet the conversation I have with that good man snapped inside of my head to motivate me to go grab the luggage and begin to pack.  I took what I could as far as personal effects, clothing, bathroom stuff etc.
Enough that I filled a large piece of luggage and two carry pieces which I piled into the Car.
His look was of surprise but at the same time it was of "whatever" blaming me for not listening to him blaming me for not hearing him.  I listened I was in tune maybe hoping for something more, something I knew was not to come.  He said the word "never" I knew at that point it was time for me to exit.
Exit I did, drove to my Mom's who fortunately is staying at my Sisters and allowed me to be free and alone and able to gather my thoughts and be cathartic.  My journey here will be long it will be filled with highs and lows but for now I am free.